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Life on Hold

drowning

Life has a way of changing and whether you like it or not you have to go for the ride.  What you don’t realize is that sometimes these changes are needed for you to re-evaluate your situation or your destination in life.

I haven’t posted in a while as I had some things to work through and really didn’t know where I was headed. I know, I should have written about it and wrote through it. Well, I did but not here. I have been taking notes and reflecting.  The holiday season is always hard for me but this year was harder than usual.  In 2017 I experienced many changes in my life that could have stopped me in my tracks. Instead I chose to work through each challenge and reflect on how they affected my life in the long run.  I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and towards the end of the year my depression that I have been fighting with for the last few years was diagnosed as PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). On December 15th I went through with the scariest decision in my life to date. I decided to go ahead with a Total Hip Replacement.  The surgery itself was scary but what really sent me for a loop was that I would lose my independence.  For 12 weeks after surgery I will not even be able to put on my own socks. No bending beyond 90 degrees. In case you can’t visualize that it means that from a sitting position you are not allowed to move your hands beyond or below the top of your knees. Try it, I guarantee you will not like it.

Funny thing is that the pain and the surgery came in well below the top in my list of things that make me have anxiety attacks. Yup the loss of independence is at the top of my list. The panic attacks started right after surgery in the recovery room.  The PTSD kicked in like never before and all the noise in the recovery room made me crazy, literally! I broke all hip replacement protocol and got myself released from the 4 day hospital stay 24 hours after my surgery.  Trust me they wanted me out as bad as I wanted out. The anxiety turned me into super bitch. No, I am not exaggerating.  I literally went crazy and that scared me almost as much as losing my independence. I was not nice to the nurses or my family that was trying to care for me (Not mean but definitely not nice).  In the 2 1/2 weeks following my surgery I have been isolated and I believe that was a good thing for everyone involved.  HA! HA! To give you some prospective I am normally a very patient and loving person. I didn’t recognize the person I had become nor did I like her even a little bit.

This self imposed isolation gave me time to reflect and think about where my life was and where it is headed. When you get stuck in the moment you can’t think past that moment. It is fight or flight mode 24/7.  Not only is this not good it is detrimental to your health both mental and physical.  Really, now that I have had time to reflect and meditate what is 12 weeks of life on hold compared to the rest of my life with less pain? A drop in the bucket of life really. At the end of it I will have a better quality of life.  I chose not to take any medication for the PTSD and the Diabetes I am trying to control with diet.  Medications have done me more harm than good in my past so I have chosen to create a life of self awareness and self love.  I will learn how to deal with my health issues in more natural and healthy way.

My life of travel and adventure is put on hold until close to the summer but my life itself goes on. I can either use this time to make positive changes or I can waste it by lying feeling sorry for myself until I am able to do more adventuring. I am consciously choosing to take my hold time and turn it to something positive.  I will not let the past or my current situation dictate my happiness.  Instead I am busy planning and meditating. I am going to be grateful for the life I have and learn to live it to the full extent possible within my current health restrictions.  I say current as we have more control over our health then we give ourselves credit for. Will I have bad days where I slip into depression and anxiety? YES! Will I let that take over my life again? NO! I am no longer barely holding on. I have a firm grip and am pulling myself to safety one good decision after the next.

Here is to 2018 a New Year filled with Happiness and better Health.

 

 

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